fight to win. fight to finish

inspiration from a documentary I watched about fighters--

"the expectations of our gym are not, 'win every fight.' you don't have to win every fight. but you do have to TRAIN for every fight."

"you need to have some respect. you need to understand that while whatever it was that you needed to be doing in your time, we've been here working. so, don't be mad at me or frustrated with me cause you're getting destroyed. YOU found other things to do with your time than come to practice"

"to be a champ it's a 40-hr a week commitment. it's a daily grind."

feeling down? just look at this dog

nailing the tech down is important--but!

 remember that you love to dance too. 

i can't get so overwhelmed with getting all the details down that i get to feeling defeated.

austin seems like it's right around the corner.

i have to remember it's a journey

I'll get there.

nerd dreams

well, I'm officially signed up for the feis in june. so far, I have 9 in my competition. so that's happening.

every time I think about being on stage I get this crazy nervous feeling. I think it's mainly because I feel so unprepared. that, I can change.

in other news, last night was the night of nerd dreams.

a) champ class was being held at worlds and we were running through hornpipe on the big stage. I just remember messing up on my first step but I kept going and repeating the right foot until I got it right and then moved on to the left. it was kind of a confidence boost in an odd way--telling me not to worry about messing up in front of everyone but to keep on going, regardless.

b) my great-grandmother had this huge farmhouse in my dream, with all wood floors. my g'ma was letting me & jason rent it out for ridiculously cheap and I had a big huge room as a dance studio.

AND C) I was at awards for my champ comp and they were calling up all the placements until 2nd place and my name didn't get called so I was pretty sure I got dead last at that point. then they announced my name as the unthinkable first. my knees were all shaky and I felt like I was going to slip right off the podium stepping up to the top.

it was all weirdly encouraging and vivid.

 
can you tell what I went to sleep thinking about?

believe

there's a booming voice inside me that keeps saying "I can't" and a tinier voice saying "I can".
you're too old. it's too late. you have the wrong feet, the wrong legs. you'll never be strong enough, have the tech down, nail the tricks, have enough stamina, be flexible enough.

I think it's the fact that the more effort I have to put into it, the more I'd have potential to lose--the more devastating the defeat. if I only give 50%, my expectation is so much lower.

I'm looking at everything negatively though. the more I put in, I will only gain more experience and be more fit and ready for whatever I decide to do. why I am I so set on losing to begin with? give everything you have and leave it up to the judges. you never know.

start slow. review the basics. take steps piece by piece. you can do this.

I can.

london

london.  

2014. 

8-hand. 

it's happening. 

now to work my butt off to try and qualify in solos. just be on that stage to dance for myself and for my school would be amazing. for solos and teams.

 

let's make it happen. one day at a time. 

streeeetch

starting doing a stretch routine of 20/30 minutes in the morning and then the same at night to push my left leg higher up to match my right and get more flexible in general. I woke up at 6 today to start my habit of doing the routine during my work week...it's gonna be tough in the mornings but once I get up 'n at 'em it's not too painful. just need to keep at it.

a breath of fresh air

t: "maybe it's time to try something different" 

 y: "that's no way to get to worlds"

I can't believe I felt so much like giving up last week. my joints were feelin' it pretty bad and I felt like what I had been working on form-wise was thrown completely back into reverse.

I need to work on being less hard on myself. period.
doesn't mean I have to be any less aggressive in my pursuits, just more adaptable.

joints feel terrible? work on flexibility. do heel raises or abs, something that won't cause a lot of impact. it's just not the time to work on leaps.

you will become stronger, more flexible, more confident this year. it's going to happen.